We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
