a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
