Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I CAN MOONWALK!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
