I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
