tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
