Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
