In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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