Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
