so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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