Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
