just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
