My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
