it was like his penis was on wheels.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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