you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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