I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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