dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
