Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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