I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
