i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
