can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
