I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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