ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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