He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They took my balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
