He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
