quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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