u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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