I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think i have two assholes
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
