I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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