Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
