you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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