the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
