Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
