Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
