You're my little dorito
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
