how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
