Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
