I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
