I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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