god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
