Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
