I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
