now i know why i became what i already was.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
