Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
