you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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