I can tuck mytits in my pants
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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