it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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