apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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