If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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