i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
