the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
