batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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