so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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